The Best of Us – For Casey Van Brookhoven

The Best of Us – For Casey Van Brookhoven

‘How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard’ – A. A. Milne (Winnie the Pooh)

The shocking and untimely passing of a friend over the holidays has caused me to reflect very deeply on what presence this individual had in my life. It was a fellow BJJ Black Belt, Instructor, Business Owner, Mentor, Athlete, Student, Friend, Brother, Boyfriend, Son…he was one or more of these things to the many hundreds of people who I saw in line waiting to pay their respects to him last night.

I had but a handful of in person meetings with him. I had known him only for a few years. In some ways I felt strangely inappropriate feeling the grief I felt for someone I didn’t get to know well.

When I heard the news I was in absolute disbelief. How could this ultra charismatic dude, so wonderfully full of life, heart, and passion – not be here anymore?

I met him a few years back through a new female BJJ practitioner. She wanted to come take a private lesson with me and had asked if it was ok for her instructor to come along. She was a married mother of 2, working professional, middle aged, not the typical student that her instructor was used to teaching. After briefly discussing what she was hoping to accomplish in our lesson, we set up an appointment. Weeks later she shows up on our scheduled afternoon with this ‘dude’. He was a total ‘dude’. Young and insanely talented with a smile that would light up any room. He had this bouncy energy like a joyful golden retriever puppy and his happiness was infectious.

I walked up to him to introduce myself and he says, ‘Hey, my name is Casey. I thought if it was ok with you, I could sit in on the lesson because Laurie is the first woman in my school and I want to make sure I keep her. Maybe you talk to her in a way that I should talk to her or you do things in a way that make it easier for her to learn BJJ. I want her to stick around and maybe I can learn something from you that will help her.’

I almost didn’t know what to say. You see, Casey could easily manhandle most BJJ practitioners, he would certainly have been able to manhandle me. The fact that he thought I had anything useful to show him and very earnestly said this out loud had dumbfounded me.

His humility was abundant. He had such sincere concern for this gaping hole in his teaching repertoire. ‘How do I become an effective teacher for someone who isn’t like me? How do I make this person feel comfortable on the mat? How can I make this person love BJJ as much as I do?’

After our first meeting, he asked me to come down to his school to do an open mat. He also just wanted to pick my brain about some transitions he was going through in his life. I was completely unprepared for the excitement he showed when I arrived and so humbled that yet again, he thought I could show him and his students something of value.

I should explain that most of my BJJ career I was the ‘other’. Sometimes that ‘other’ was good but mostly it was bad. Sometimes I’d  take more punishment than necessary on the mats or I’d train twice as long as the guys to prove that I just wanted to be treated the same. I just wanted to be included, but I was always different, less than, not equal to, the afterthought. Even as I’d had some competitive success and I started being given opportunities to do instructionals and seminars, I always felt this insecurity, this undercurrent of, ‘what you have to offer isn’t of high quality because you’re a woman’.

So as I’ve tried to carve out a little space of validation for myself and others like me, the respect and trust that Casey gave me from day one hit me intensely. Casey had so much ability and prowess, but he never seemed to put that first. In my eyes, he would always bring himself to the level that he needed to be on to be connected to you: man, woman or child. He made me feel like a person, he made me feel valued, and he made me feel like I belonged on the mats with him. I know he made countless others feel this way too.

A very wise and close friend once said to me, ‘You deserve the instructor you choose’. Casey was an incredible teacher and training partner who was loved by many. I regret that our community has lost someone who stood for all the best things we should see and encounter in this sport; a hard worker who was genuine, humble, playful, honorable and loyal. I am sad that I won’t be able to introduce him to more people and that he won’t be able to return the favor of coming to train on my mats.

In this funny little world of Brazilian Jiu Jitsu we touch the hands and bodies of so many people, mostly acquaintances and strangers we won’t ever know intimately. Casey’s passing has made me feel my own mortality and think about what impression I might leave on people in a brief handshake, a 5 min roll, 1 hr class or 3 hr seminar. If my last meeting with you was our final meeting, what was it like?

Perhaps the meaning of this unexplainable event is that we could all be more conscious of our humility. I know that in a 1 min introduction, Casey left an impression on me that I cannot forget and will be forever thankful for. I hope that we all give that gift to some unknown person when we least likely expect it. I know that he’s left a legacy in his students, people who I’m glad to know and will honor his spirit in the best way.

Be well my friend,

Emily Kwok